To Shed a Tear
by star-siren
Summary: She decided for them, and now she watches. The birth, growth, and death of four incarnations from the eyes of the decider


I am decider, but more so than that, I am watcher.

I've watched her grow to become what she is.

I watched her with the proud eyes of a mother and aching heart of a higher being as she grew four times, once as a princess, the second as a regular human, the third as a warrior, and the fourth, as ruler.

I watched as, as princess, she grew to become the warm and gentle soul she was so famed for.  As she learned of her duties, escaped from the confines of the palace, if only for a moment, and fell into the love I deemed she hold as her heart, yet could not allow her to hold peacefully.

I watched the rendezvous she and her lover held, watched with an aching heart for I knew the peace would not last—could not last.  I wept with her as she cried out to me, asking why I did not allow her happiness.  I turned away as she took the sword and plunged it deep within, unable to watch as the blood tarnished her image of light, tainting it crimson.

I watched with knowing eyes as her queen mother partook in the ultimate sacrifice and sacrificed her life for peace.  I watched as tapestries upon tapestries of planned events—_fated_ events—occurred and yet I shed not a tear.

I watched as the years passed, and finally, one thousand years later, the sleeping soul of the once princess was reborn as Tsukino Usagi.

I watched as the once quiet princess, now boisterous regular child, grew to become the gentle-minded, if rambunctious girl with the largest heart of all.  I watched as she attended school, cried over skinned knees and failed tests, and escaped what reality she saw into the world of dreams.  I saw as she held her first crush so tenderly, crying out her pain when that ended poorly.  

I watched with the amused eyes of one who had already seen it all as she bickered with her other half, chuckled at the side-long glances each sent the other, and nearly snickered as the bickering heated up with the escalation of their attractions to one another, all the while knowing that the two were pulled to one another—that the two were, in fact, lovers of a past time, so deeply in love that their hearts were forever tied together in the dance of life and love.

I watched without so much as a glimmer of emotion as she cried at his harsh words, watched as she hid her pain at the insults, her pain at her failures and her fear of disappointment, under the bright façade she hid behind.  I watched her in her pain as she wept, as she struggled to become someone she could be proud of, someone others could be proud of.  And for her struggles, I shed not one tear.

I watched with knowing eyes as she met her former mother's advisor and became an inexperienced warrior.  I saw her struggles to become a brave warrior, watched as she gained experiences and began to grow into the warrior she was meant to be—a bit clumsy perhaps, but strong in her heart, where it truly mattered.  I waited and watched as she met with the others, as they bickered and fought, as they loved and bonded, tied together by the sense of loyalty and duty—of friendship.  I saw through their bravados during battles, saw the fear and unease, saw the determination and sense of duty, as well as the sense of guilt as every enemy perished.

With impassive eyes that belied my heavy heart, I watched as the memories awoke from within, watched as she once again held her love, only to have him ripped away.  Watched her struggle to win him back, watched her and her friends die only to be reborn, their memories once again forgotten.  I was there when the sleeping memories awoke, when once again, she took to fight and with proud eyes, I watched her and the others grow as a warrior, watched as she once again fell in love with the only man she could love, and watched as she became the warrior she was meant to be—strong, brave, loyal and determined, but still with the heart of diamond-encrusted gold.

I watched as she struggled with herself, wondering if she was truly a pure soul, and hiding her desire of peace and normalcy as she fought against all her enemies.  With unwavering eyes, I watched as she struggled to accept herself—first as the warrior Sailor Moon, then as the former Princess Serenity, and finally, lastly, as the normal human of Tsukino Usagi.  I watched her relationship with her lover grow, only to be unable to keep them together, but knowing that it would all work out in the end.  I watched her suffer to accept herself, watched as she struggled to gain the acceptance she did not believe she had from others, and I watched her go through the good and bad of love, all without shedding a tear.

The world was frozen over, and one thousand more years passed before her soul once again awoke, this time as Serenity, Neo-Queen of the world.

With proud eyes, I watched her awaken the world she had protected and continued to protect, watched as she and her husband were proclaimed rulers, and watched as the peace she strove for was finally achieved.  But I knew it would not last, and as I knew it would, the peace was disrupted centuries later.  I watched as she was imprisoned, watched her daughter's struggles and her loyal friends continue to fight.  I watched as her husband fell with eyes of steel, watched the events I knew would occur take place, and all without shedding a tear.

I watched as her enemy was defeated, as her daughter returned to her and the city was rebuilt.  I watched as the people's faith in her grew, watched as peace was restored and what was now considered normal returned.  I watched, and I continue to watch to this day with proud, yet knowing eyes.

And now, as I take away my eyes from the images of the Neo-Queen, I pick up my needle, my heart heavy.  For I know that the peace cannot last—it has lasted too long already, and now, I must let the cycle continue.  And so I begin a new tapestry, a new phase in the cycle of life that belonged to the current Neo-Queen, the bright soul that cannot rest.

And as I begin this new tapestry, one that would surely bring about sufferings to the Queen and her people, one that would bring forth new pain, new battles, and a new identity, I allow my thoughts to drift to the past, drift through all that this eternally-young queen has gone through.  And I am saddened that she must go through it, that I must make her go through it…but I must, for it is my duty, and I must comply by my duties as she must comply by hers.

We are sister souls, she and I.  But she is surrounded by love, and I, by loneliness, and it makes me wonder—is she better off than I, for though she loses love, she has also known love, whereas I have always been surrounded by this unbearable loneliness.  And I envy her for that love she has, that love she may lose but will always know.  And despite all that I make her go through, I love her as well—whether she believes it or not.  But duty is duty, and I must carry mine out now.

And so I return to watching this bright soul, my eyes on her while my mind lies in the tapestry I weave.  She is laughing now, enjoying her family and friends, unaware of the dangerous times I know is just ahead—I know it, but I will not stop it.  On the contrary, I will watch it, watch as she grows once again into her fifth persona, undertaking all that I weave her way.

For though I am decider, I am more so watcher.

I am Fate, and I have just shed a tear.


End file.
